Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,

“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said,

“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his

every whim sexually several times a week.”

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

“What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,

“I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested..

“I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said,

“I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“$1,500!” she cried,”$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged,

“I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1,500.”

On landing, the pilot says,

“Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear.”

The hunters go out and return with two bears.

So the pilot says,

“I told you ONE bear!”

But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.

After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get

aboard with the two bears.

After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.

The pilot says, “About the same place where we crashed last year.”

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Her mother asked, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh, Mum,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…” Suddenly she burst out crying.

“But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language…things I’d ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come to get me and

take me home… Please, Mum!”

“Sarah,” her mother said, “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, Mum,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful!

Come get me, please!” “Darling, you must tell me what have you so upset.

Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said,

“Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!”