Daily Joke: Jokes Library

During a recent physical examination,

An elderly Jim’s doctor asked him about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day.

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 10 kilometres through some pretty rough terrain.

“I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

“I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I narrowly avoided standing on a snake.

“I climbed several rocky hills. I had to stop several times to relieve myself behind some big trees.

“The mental stress of it all left me shattered. In the end, I drank eight beers.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

“You must be one heck of an outdoorsman!”

“No,” Jim replied.

“I’m just a really bad golfer.”

A young Army private seeks permission from his commanding officer to leave camp the following weekend.

“You see,” he explains,

“my wife’s expecting.”

“I understand,” the officer tells him.

“You go, and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”

The following week the same soldier is back again with the same explanation:

“My wife’s expecting.”

The officer looks surprised,

“Still expecting?” asks. `Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course, you can have the weekend off.”

When the same soldier appears again the third week, however, the officer loses his temper.

“Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting,” he says.

“Yes, sir,” says the soldier resolutely. “She’s still expecting.”

“What in heaven is she expecting?” the officer. Says the soldier simply,

“Me.”

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served.

“What did you marinate this in?” he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own,

“What did you ask me?”

She chuckled at his answer and explained,

“I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

As she left the room, he called out,

“Well, would you marry me again?”

Without hesitation, she replied,

“Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

Little Johnny was t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌is friends that adults have a‌‌‌‌ deep d‌‌ar‌‌k secret a‌‌n‌‌d cab b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y manipulated.

Johnn‌‌y decides t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t it‌‌.

H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s home, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r an‌‌d says,

“‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w everything.‌‌” M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushes h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ives h‌‌im $‌‌10.

“Jus‌‌t d‌‌on’‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌” s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.

Hey‌‌, i‌‌t’‌‌s w‌‌orkin‌‌g t‌‌hink‌‌s L‌‌ittl‌‌e J‌‌ohnny.

A‌‌n h‌‌ou‌‌r l‌‌ater‌‌, D‌‌a‌‌d c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌om‌‌e f‌‌ro‌‌m w‌‌ork‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌:

“‌‌Dad‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w everything.”

Da‌‌d give‌‌s J‌‌ohnn‌‌y $‌‌100‌‌.

“‌‌Don’‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l M‌‌om‌‌”, h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays.

Jus‌‌t t‌‌hen‌‌, t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n k‌‌nock‌‌s o‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oor‌‌.

J‌‌ohnn‌‌y o‌‌pen‌‌s i‌‌‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌.

“‌‌‌‌I k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything‌‌, M‌‌ister.”

Th‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n d‌‌rop‌‌s a‌‌l‌‌l h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌ail‌‌, h‌‌i‌‌s e‌‌ye‌‌s t‌‌ea‌‌r u‌‌‌‌p a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays:

“Wel‌‌l t‌‌he‌‌n J‌‌ohnny‌‌, c‌‌om‌‌e g‌‌iv‌‌e D‌‌add‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ug.”

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says,

“A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and then turns to the ostrich and asks, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

“That will Be $9.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.” The ostrich says,

“I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man. “Several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I

ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress.

“Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

“My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”