05/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17140
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said,
“Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. I never hear from them neither receive a thank you message !”
Ruby replies.
“I too send them a very generous cheque. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow !, How come ?”remarked Dolly
“Very simple solution, *I don’t sign the cheque.”*
05/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17137
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was,
“NO!”
Now she was smiling. Hey, they’re getting it, she thought!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked.
Again, they all answered,
“NO!”
She was just bursting with pride for them.
“Well,” she continued,
“then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old little Johnny shouted out,
“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
05/16/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17134
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
” Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop. He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier,
“so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
05/15/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17131
A lawyer’s dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks,
“If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer answers, “Definitely.”
“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 is due for a consultation.
05/14/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17127
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.
The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.
Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
“Well,” the man says,
“I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”
“What kind of question?” the neighbor asks.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” says the neighbor. “You just say, ‘Of course I will’.”
“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I MEANT to say.
But what came OUT was, ‘Of course I do’.”