Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A 15-year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked,

“What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

“Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…

“Go get your Mother.”

“A 70 years old retired Military officer had one hobby – he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat and fishing when he heard a voice say, ‘Pick me up’ .

He looked around and couldn’t see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the same voice say again, ‘Pick me up.’

He looked in the water and saw a frog floating on the water surface.

The retd officer asked the frog: ‘Are you talking to me?’

The frog said,

‘Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up & kiss me; and I’ll turn into the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that

all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!’

The retired officer looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, ‘What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said?’

I said, ‘Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.’

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

‘Nah. I would like to have a talking frog rather than a nagging wife..

With age – wisdom comes!

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.

After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.

Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.

When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her bra, panties and high heels.

“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.

Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,

“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady

“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,

“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.

The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”

“Six” she replied.

“Ok i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”

All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.

“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.

The first one said,

“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.

The second lady says,

“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”.

The third one says,

“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.

As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,

“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”