Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Little Johnny was having problems in English class,

so his teacher decided to stop by Little Johnny’s house on her way home.

She wanted to discuss his poor performance directly with his parents:

When she rang the doorbell, Johnny answered.

“Hello Johnny, I’d like to talk to your mother or father.” She said.

“Sorry. but they ain’t here.” He replied.”

She said. “what is it with your grammar?”

“Haven’t got a clue,” Johnny replied.

“But dad sure was mad that they had to go bail her out again!”

Two men were having a slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course.

They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:

“I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining:

“I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said:

“Small world.”

It’s a small town and not much happens most days,

so the town newspaper prints pretty much every little story.

But the editor just can’t believe it one day when the new farmer down the road says that his truck ran into a ditch and killed 2,003 pigs.

He sends his reporter out to the farm to check it out.

The reporter pulls up and finds the farmer working on the fence, so he strolls over and says,

“I understand you had a little accident the other day and lost some livestock, is that right?”

The farmer, who seems reluctant to talk, just nods.

“We heard it was 2,003 pigs. Is that right?”

The farmer frowns a bit and nods again.

“That seems incredible. Are you really sure it was 2,003 pigs?”

The farmer starts to look really upset but again just nods his head.

“Well, my editor wanted me to check it out because 2,003 pigs just seem like a lot and…”

At this point, the farmer, now red-faced and steaming, shouts,

“Yeth, yeth! Two thows and three pigth! Now leave me alone!”

An old man was sitting in a private box at a major football match with an empty seat next to him:

A young enthusiast saw the empty seat and said to the old man.

“Who on earth has paid for this expensive seat but not turned up they must be mad, do you mind if I sit here?”

The old man sadly looked up and said.

“For 50yrs I and my darling wife have sat together and watched every major final, but unfortunately she has passed away so I was unable to come, so you can glady take her place if you like.”

The young man thanked him for his kind generosity and sat beside the old man.

The young man turned to him and said.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but as sad as your story is, I have to ask, have you not got any relatives, like a son or grandchild or nephew that you could if brought along with you?”

The old man said.

“Yes, I have, but they’ve all gone to the funeral.

One day at the garage, the new hire heard that the old master mechanic knew every acronym for every make and model

so he decided to put him to the test.

“Do you really know what every car brand name stands for?”

“Yup.”

“Ford?”

“That’s easy. It’s ‘Fix Or Repair Daily.’”

“Kia?”

“Kills In Accidents.”

“Fiat?”

“Fix it Again, Tony.”

“Okay, smart guy, I’ve heard all those before. How about Ferrari?”

The old man paused and said with a grin,

“Sugar, Honey, Iced Tea.”

“How do you know it means that?” the youngster asked.

“It’s what every Ferrari owner says when handed the repair bill.” the old man answered.