04/21/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17061
An elderly Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says:
“Do you mind if I ask you a favour?”
“A favour for the Pope??” exclaims the driver, “of course – anything!”
“You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I’d really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?”
The thought of the Pope getting behind the wheel scared the driver – what if he got into an accident?
On the other hand, the driver felt that he couldn’t say no to the Pope himself, so he reluctantly obliged and let His Holiness get behind the wheel.
To his utter dismay, the Pope turns the key, lights up the limousine’s rear tires and speeds up like a maniac!
After driving in excess of 100 mph in a 45 mph zone, a police car drives up alongside them and orders them to stop immediately.
The Pope slams on the brakes and comes to a dead stop, as does the pursuing police officer.
The police officer emerges from his vehicle, briefly peers through the limousine’s window, then hurriedly steps back in.
His sergeant got this call:
Cop: “Sir, I have a problem.”
Sergeant: “What kind of problem?”
Cop: “Well, I pulled over this driver for speeding, but he’s someone really important.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no – a lot more important than that.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that, Sarge.”
Sergeant: “Important like… the President?”
Cop: “Even more important than him.”
Sergeant: “Who’s more important than the President?”
Cop: “I don’t know sarge, but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
04/20/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17058
A young man named Rich bought a horse from a farmer for $250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day:
The next day, the farmer drove up to Rich’s house and said.
“Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Rich replied.
“Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said.
“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Rich said.
“Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked.
“What ya gonna do with him?”
Rich said.
“I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said.
“You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Rich said.
“Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month Later, the farmer met up with Rich and asked.
“What happened with that dead horse?”
Rich said.
“I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.”
The farmer said.
“Didn’t anyone complain?”
Rich said.
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
04/19/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17053
A grandmother was surprised when she woke up to a cup of coffee from her 8-year-old grandson Johnny.
She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved.
At the bottom of the cup, she found three little green army men.
Puzzled, she asked,
“Honey, what are these toys doing in my coffee?”
The boy replied
“I’m just doing what it says on the TV, grandma
“The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”
04/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17047
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond. In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods. We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope. And
we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said,
“Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
04/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17043
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;
MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
“Anyone know who’s phone this is….