Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.

He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.

Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”

A man and his wife enter a dentist’s office.

The wife says “I need a tooth pulled.

No gas or Novocain!

I’m in a terrible hurry.

Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

“You’re a brave woman,” says the dentist.

“Now, show me which tooth it is.”

The wife turns to her husband and says:

“Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is,dear”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.

The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.

He was a widower and she was a widow.

They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity centre.

These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

“Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.

“Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”

He couldn’t remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,

“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say,

“Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued,

“And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in, to a beautiful Lady.

“I thought you said you would hold that car until we raised the $75, 000 asking price,” said the man.

“Yet I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discounts on this model,”

“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and just look at her. How could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go,” she said.

“I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.”

“See you later, grandpa.”

Goes to show….

Never mess with the elderly!