Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.

The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma,

“you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,

“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.

Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him,

“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”

Little Johnny replied,

“The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” he concluded.

“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call centre.

“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.

“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.

“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant.

“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.

“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.

The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

“Ever have an accident?”

“Nope, nary a one.”

“None? You’ve never had any accidents.”

“Nope. Ain’t had one. Never.”

“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”

“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”