Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th-grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,

So he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey.

It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable?

Do you see the dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice

“Hi, Grandma!” It just gets me all teary-eyed.”

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.

“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.

The wife asked her husband,

“Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”

The husband thought for a moment and then said,

“Well, yes I think I would.”

The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.

Then, after a while she said,

“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”

“Well honey, I guess I would.”

The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.

She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,

“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”

The husband paused for a moment and then said,

“Well sure, I think I would.”

The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.

Then she said to her husband,

“Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”

“No,” he said,

“she’s left-handed.”

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says,

“Boys, we all know I’ve been here for 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says,
“That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight him till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says,
“I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen!

At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says,
“Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cow’s justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second bull says,
“I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says,
“Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says,
“Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”

Elsie, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space,

When a young man in his brand new red BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for.

Elsie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and enquired, through gritted teeth,

‘I was about to park there.’

The man looked at her with disdain and replied,

‘That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.’

This annoyed Elsie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.

The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice,

‘What did you do that for?’

Elsie smiled at him and said,

‘That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich.’