09/21/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17556
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat.
She ate and ate.
Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away.
She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall.
She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock and smashed when she hit the floor.
Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you’re full of shi*t.
09/20/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17553
A man and his dog walk into a pub.
The landlord said,
“Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”
The man replied, “But my dog can talk. Will you let him in, if he talks?”
The landlord chuckled and shook his head saying,
“Yeah, sure, why not?”.
The man looked at his dog and smiled,
“Alright! What’s on the outside of a tree?”.
The dog said, “Bark”.
“What’s on top of a house?”,
he asked next. “Roof!” the dog responded.
“What’s the opposite of smooth?”, he finally said.
“Ruff!”, the dog said.
The landlord snapped and stamped his feet on the ground saying,
“That’s it. Get out of my bar.”
The man sighed and walked out of the bar with his dog.
Outside the pub, the man shouted at the dog saying,
“What the hell was that?!”.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry,” the dog said.
09/19/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17549
Little Johnny and his family often travelled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season and special events Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.
“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
09/18/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17546
A game show host is talking to a rabbit
The host looks at his question card.
“Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?”
“Twelve”, replied the rabbit.
“That’s correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?”
The rabbit thought for a moment. “Nineteen”
“That’s correct! Okay, now here is your grand prize question:
How much is 1,297 times 142?”
And without skipping a beat, the rabbit immediately replied,
“184,174, what else?”
The host is surprised.
“That’s correct! But tell me, how did you get the final answer so quickly?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” said the rabbit.
“If there’s one thing us rabbits can do, it’s multiply!”
09/17/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17543
A farmer had a problem with foxes stealing his chickens,
so he decided to get a guard dog.
He went to the pet shop and asked for a fierce dog that would protect his chickens.
The shopkeeper showed him a tiny Chihuahua and said,
“This is the best guard dog you can get.”
The farmer was sceptical and asked,
“How can this little thing guard my chickens?”
The shopkeeper said,
“Trust me, he’s very smart and very vicious. Just try it out.”
The farmer took the Chihuahua home and put him in the chicken coop.
The next morning, he went to check on his chickens and saw that all of them were gone.
He also saw the Chihuahua lying on the ground, covered in feathers and licking his lips.
The farmer was furious and shouted,
“You stupid dog! You ate all my chickens!”
The Chihuahua looked up at him and said,
“I told you I was a good guard dog. I just didn’t say who I was guarding them from.”