Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving to spend the holiday together.

The family gathers, but the couple’s children are late and the mother-in-law complains aloud:

“Ugh, your children, always late.”

Eventually, everyone comes and sits down to eat, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table and no one has the strength to argue with her.

After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain:

“Ugh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”

A few minutes later, the couple brings out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife.

Everyone eats and the evening continues.

While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says:

“Ugh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”

A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her.

Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself:

“Ugh, this clock… always late.”

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says,

“Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says.

“I’m sick of her face, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says,

“Like hell, they’re getting divorced!” and calls her father immediately.

“You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don’t call a lawyer, don’t file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?”

and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says

“Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse.

Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle’s btt and asks, How high up are we?

the eagle replies.

“About 2,000 feet,” the eagle replies.

The mouse replies,

“You ain’t shtin’ me, are you?

A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.

On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over.

One of the bees says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works until they run out of gas again.

The second bee steps up and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.

This time the squirrel chimes in and says,

“Don’t worry, I’ll pee in the tank. It’ll get us a little further.”

But the man says,

“Don’t bother, she only runs on BP.”

An Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
He said,

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral.”

Cowboy Slick said,

“You mean the parking lot?” Slick was a bit more worldly than Slim.

Slim said, “Then, I walked up the trail to the door.

Slick said, “You mean, the sidewalk to the door.

Slim said,

“Well, I guess. Once I was inside the door, I was met by this city-slicker dude.”

Slick growing frustrated said,

“Slim, that would be the usher.”

Slim nodded and said,

“Okay, well, the usher led me down the chute.”

Slick snarled and said, “You mean the aisle!”

Slim continued and said,

” Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there.”

Slick only responded with a one-word correction, “Pew!”

Slim said,

“Yeah, that’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”