01/02/2024 from Daily Jokes
#17928
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied,
“Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone,
“Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently,
“Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail — one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly,
“Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
01/01/2024 from Daily Jokes
#17924
So, a rich tycoon and his wife are having New Year’s dinner at a very exclusive restaurant,
when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away:
The wife glares at her husband and says.
“Who in the hell was that?”
“Oh.” Replies the husband.
“She’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s the last straw.” Says the wife.
“I’ve had enough. I want a divorce!”
“I can understand that.” Replies her husband.
“But remember, I have all my money ring-fenced in a way you can’t access it along with our pre-nuptial agreement. So, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.”
He continues……
“Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit cards, and large bank account. But?”
He says. “The decision is all yours.”
Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
“Who’s that woman with Bobby?” Asks the wife.
“That’s his mistress.” Says the husband.
“Oh, ours is much prettier.” She replies…
12/31/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17918
It’s 10 pm when the phone rings in An Elderly Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says,
“Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold.
“It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game of poker and we’re short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice,
“I’m leaving right now.”
And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies.
“They’ve already called three doctors.”
12/30/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17915
An 82-year-old husband and 80-year wife went to breakfast at a restaurant,
Where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ the wife said.
‘ But I don’t want the eggs.’ Said the old husband.
‘ Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ wife asked incredulously.
‘YES!’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then,’ wife said…
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.
‘Raw and in the shell,’ the wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake…
Moral Of The Story–>
DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
12/29/2023 from Daily Jokes
#17911
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan.
They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose:
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said.
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted.
“The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says.
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”