Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,

‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying,

“We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man responded,

“There is no way you can.”

One of the women said,

“Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said,

“You’re 87 years old!”

Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked,

“How in the world did you guess?”

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…

“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class,

“Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Johnny replies,

“I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”

The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies,

“I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…

After listening he replies:

“I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local WalMart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts:

‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.

‘On the PA system:

‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

Two men are working on a telephone pole.

A little old lady walks by and one of the men yeII to her,

“Hey lady, can you move that wire off the sidewalk for us!”

She picks it up and moves it from the sidewalk.

The second electrician says,

“I told you it wasn’t live.”