Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.

After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.

Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.

When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.

“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.

Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,

“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”

One day a man with an elephant walks into a movie theatre:

“I’m afraid I can’t let your elephant in here, sir.” The manager says.

“Oh, I assure you, he’s very well behaved.” The man says.

“All right then.” The manager says.

“If you’re sure.”

After the movie, the manager says to the man.

“I’m very surprised! Your elephant was well behaved, and he even seemed to enjoy the movie!”

“Yes, I was surprised, too.” Says the man.

“He hated the book.”

The donkey said to the tiger,

‘The grass is blue.’

Tiger said, ‘No grass is green.’

Then the discussion between the two became intense.

Both of them are firm in their own words.

To end this controversy, both went to Lion – King of Jungle.

In the middle of the animal kingdom, sitting on the throne was a lion.

The donkey started yelling before the tiger could say anything.

“Your Highness, the grass is blue, isn’t it?”

Lion said, ‘Yes! The grass is blue. ‘

Donkey, ‘This tiger does not believe. Annoys me He should be punished properly. ‘

The king declared, ‘Tiger will be jailed for a year. King’s verdict was heard by the donkey and he was jumping in joy in the entire jungle.

The tiger was sentenced to one year in jail. ‘

The Tiger went to the Lion and asked,

‘Why Your Highness! The grass is green, isn’t it? ‘

Lion said, ‘Yes! The grass is green.’

Tiger said, ‘… then why am I sentenced to jail? ‘

Lion said,

“you did not get punished for the grass being blue Or green. You have been punished for debating with that stupid donkey. Brave and

intelligent creatures like you have argued with a donkey and have come here to get a decision”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee…

“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee,

“I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?”, he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

“Yes, I do”, she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?”

‘Yes, I remember”, says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

“Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?””

‘I remember that also”, she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says…

“I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could Barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself

“I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again.

Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said,

“Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said,

“Oh Cr@@@@p, Am I Driving?”