Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist,

“Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said.

“It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She says, “I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty has written on it.”

He says, “Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.”

She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, “What was that for?”

She answers, “Your horse called.”

Little James is at a horse auction with his father.

He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, backside.

After a few minutes, little James asks,

“Dad, why are you doing that?”

Nodding, his father replies,

“Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I make a decision.”

Little James looks worried.

Finally, he says,

“Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe when the owner asked for the money.

“I’m not paying,” said the duck.

“I’ve only got one bill and I’m not breaking it.”

“I’ve spent my last buck,” said the deer.

“Then the duck has to pay,” said the skunk.

“Getting here cost me my last scent.”

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced,

“I’m running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically.

“What if you get hungry?” he said.

“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!”, readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt,

“What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed,

“This kid is not running away from home, he’s going off to college!!!”