Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A few days before their 10th anniversary, the wife said

“I’ve put up with you for 10 years.”

“When I look out the window on our anniversary morning, I expect to see something that will do zero to 200 in under 5 seconds sitting in the driveway”.

That morning, she awoke, looked out the window and there in the driveway, wearing a bright red bow, was a brand new scale!

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question,

“Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

There was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said,

“Put down yes!”

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood…

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says

“Dad, do you see that cow?”

“Yes, I do son”

“So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says

“Dad, do you see that horse?”, he asks

“Yes, I do, son”

“So, I sucked its blood”

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says,

“Dad, do you see that wall?”

“Yes, I do, son”, replies the father

“I didn’t”

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.

Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce:

“Tell the court why you want a divorce.”

The judge said.

“Well, Your Honor.” Dan started.

“Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up with her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” The judge said.

“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what’s worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.

The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.

The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.

He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.

The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.

Johnny says,
“I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I hadn’t cleaned it and frozen it, my mom would’ve been angry. That’s why I’m so late”.

The teacher promptly takes him to the principal’s office and explains the story to the principal.

The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says,
“I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up, and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?”

Johnny replies,
“Oh yeah, that’s my dog Sparky. That’s his third bear this week.”