Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.

The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”

His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”

They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.

He walked over to him and said,

“Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism.

Which one of us was wrong?”

The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”

“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.

To which the old man replied,

“You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid..

The office worker asked her,

“How many children do you have?”

“Ten,” she replied.

“What are their names?” he asked.

“David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David,” she answered.

“They’re all named David?” he asked

“What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.

“I just call ‘David,’ and they all come running in.”

“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”

“I just say, ‘David, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.

“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s easy,” she said.

“I just use their last name”.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees wasn’t in and had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper:

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” He asked.

“Yes.” Whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?”

The child whispered. “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked. “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes .”

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered. “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked.

“Is anybody else there?”

“Yes.” Whispered the child. “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked.

“May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked.

“What is that noise?”

“A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” Demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered.

“The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked:

“What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…

“Me.”

A chicken walks into the library, marches to the desk, and says: “Book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian hands over a couple of novels and watches the chicken as it leaves the library, walks across the street, through a field, and disappears down the hill.

The next day, the chicken is back.

Walks right up to the librarian, drops the books on her desk, and says,

“Book, Book, BOOK, BOOK!”

The librarian hands over a few books and again watches the chicken drag them away.

The next day, the chicken comes for the third time.

Drops the books on the desk, and says, “Book, Book, Book, BOOK!!”

This time, once the chicken is out the door, the librarian follows — across the street, through a field, and down the hill to a small pond.

On a rock on the edge of the pond is the biggest frog the librarian has ever seen.

The chicken walks up to the frog, drops the book on the pond’s edge, and says,

“Book, Book, Book!”

The frog hops over, uses the front leg to push through the pile, and says:

“Read it, read it, read it…”

A man and his wife arrive from a business trip and go to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town.

The waiter sits them and says,

“Our special today is duck or shrimp.”

The man replies,

“I want a T-bone steak medium-well.”

The waiter, a bit miffed continues,

“What about the mad cow?”

The man looks at the waiter and says,

“She can order for herself.”