Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.

Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.

“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.

“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started,

“every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up

love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them,

“The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says

“I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said

“How well can you do?”

“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle,

“I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,

“How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,

“Liver alone, cheese mine.”

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:

“Purebred Police Dog $25.”

Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”

“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,

The pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.?

It happened again the next week.?

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.?

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied,

“every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed.

“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honourable profession,” the pastor said.

“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly,

“In Nevada….He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle.

For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant’s tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

“Why did you do that?” the giraffe asks.

“When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,” the elephant replied.

“Wow! You must have a good memory!” exclaimed the giraffe.

“Yep!” said the elephant. “I’ve got Turtle-Recall.”