Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly Pastor Joe knew that ole Ben was a Saturday night boozer.

He always came to church on Sunday morning but always fell asleep from his Saturday night binges.

Pastor Joe told Ben that he was going to call on Ben at the end of the service.

He was going to ask him what the last song was sung.

If he could tell the congregation the name of the song he could choose the closing song.

Ben fought hard to stay awake and listen as Pastor Joe preached on the evils of alcohol and how every last drop should be

gathered up and thrown in the river.

It came time for the question to Ben okay Ben, what was the last song we sang?

Ben said I believe it was about some cross-eyed bear named Gladys.

Pastor Joe smiled and said.

“Well that was pretty close it was actually Gladly the Cross I’d Bear. Go ahead and pick our closing song. Thinking about what the

Pastor had preached about doing with all the alcohol,

he smiled and said

“Shall we gather at the river”

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood…

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says

“Dad, do you see that cow?”

“Yes, I do son”

“So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says

“Dad, do you see that horse?”, he asks

“Yes, I do, son”

“So, I sucked its blood”

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says,

“Dad, do you see that wall?”

“Yes, I do, son”, replies the father

“I didn’t”

A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.

The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.

“Morris,” said grandma,

“you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,

“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly falls to the ground in two pieces.

The young man says, “Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world.”

The old man says, “No. Further up the mountain is a swordsman greater than I.”

So the young man climbs up the mountain to another ledge where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says,

“I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly falls to the ground in three pieces.

The young man says, “Surely you are the greatest swordsman in the world.”

The old man says, “No. At the top of this mountain is the greatest swordsman.”

So the young man climbs up to the top of the mountain, where there sits an even older man with a sword in his lap.

The young man says, “I seek the greatest swordsman in the world.”

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly.

The fly buzzes away.

“What’s going on,” the young man yells.

“I thought you were supposed to be the greatest swordsman in the world. You couldn’t even kill that fly.”

“No,” the old man says.

“That fly is not dead. But that fly will never again father children.”

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn’t think he’s fit enough.

He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five-foot tree with his ax, and it falls over.

The boss is impressed.

The old man then repeats this with a ten-foot tree.

Then a thirty-foot tree. Finally, he takes his ax up to an 80-foot redwood, swings, and the giant tree comes tumbling down.

The boss is amazed and asks the man how he learned to do that.

The man says “I practiced in the Sahara forest.”

“Don’t you mean the Sahara desert?” The boss asks.

“Well yes,” says the old man, “that’s what they call it now.”