Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,

“What are you staring at?”

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don’t see anything,” she says.

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming…

The man says,

“While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation.

One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says,

“You think you have family problems?”

Listen to my situation..

” A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became

mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife’s daughter, my stepmom, had a son. This boy was my half-brother ’cause he was my dad’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s

daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife! “

AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?”

The other guy fainted…

An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.

When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,

“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said

Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?

He then replied,

“She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”

Surprised, the old man said,

“And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”

The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said,

“She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.

The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.

He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”

The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.

Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts,

“Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”

An elderly couple were sitting outdoors at a cafe when they noticed an old man who seemed to be having trouble crossing the street with an ungainly shuffle.

The man said to his wife, “He surely has bad arthritis to walk like that.”

His wife replied, “No, that’s definitely old time rheumatism.”

They couldn’t agree so the man decided to ask the old man.

He walked over to him and said,

“Excuse me, sir, but my wife and I saw you having difficulty crossing the street and I told her that you have arthritis but she insisted that you have rheumatism.

Which one of us was wrong?”

The old man said, “The three of us were wrong.”

“Three of us were wrong? How so?” asked the man.

To which the old man replied,

“You were wrong when you said I had arthritis, your wife was wrong when she said I had rheumatism, and I was wrong when I thought I just had to pass gas.”