Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the Irish countryside with his pet dog:

The dog finally died, and Patrick went to the parish priest, saying.

“Father, my dog died. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?”

Father Murphy told the farmer.

“No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road and no telling what they believe in, but maybe

they’ll do something for the animal.”

Patrick said.

“I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think €5,000 is enough to donate to the service?”

Father Murphy exclaimed.

“Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says:

“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks: “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look:

“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says,

“Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor,

“You’re just lazy.”

The man nods.

“Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.

Morris an old man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

“How much do they cost?” he asked the salesperson.

“That depends,” he said. “They run from $2.00 to $2,000.”

“Let’s see the $2.00 model,” said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris’ neck.

“You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” , asked Morris.

“For $2.00 it doesn’t work,” the salesperson replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder.”

A horse in in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat….

The donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”

And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.”

He then ask the horse “Did you win anything?”

The horse replies

“Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks

“I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”

So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.

The horse arrives and says

“Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies

“That’s me when I played for Juventus..”