Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

He shouted,

“Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter. They’re

going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your

mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he’s just broken into.

He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying

“Crook, beware, Jesus, watches you”

He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight into the direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot.

The bird repeats

“Crook, beware, Jesus watches you”The burglar walks up to the cage and asks “And what may your name be? The parrot answers “Coco.”

The burglar sniggers and says

“I’ve always found that a very stupid name for a parrot.”

The parrot answers

“Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Doberman.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are living in Florida and are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner”?

The Pharmacist answers, “Yes”.

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication”?

Pharmacist: “Of course we do”.

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation”?

Pharmacist: “All kinds”.

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism”?

Pharmacist: “Definitely”.

Jacob: “How about suppositories”?

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s”?

Pharmacist: “Yes. a large variety; the works”.

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease”?

Pharmacist: “Absolutely”.

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion”?

Pharmacist: “We sure do”.

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes”?

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”.

Jacob: ” Senior Citizen diapers?

Pharmacist: “Sure”.

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store for our Bridal Registry”.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,

The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,

“This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”

An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off.

As he sat on the riverbank, Little Johnny came walking by.

Spying a frog, Little Johnny grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said:

“Frog, I’s gon cut yo’ legs off!”

Then he said,

“Frog, after I get don’ cuttin’ yo legs off, I’s gon’ stick this here Popsicle stick up yo’ rear end! And then, Frog …”

This was too much for the deputy.

He stood up, grabbed Little Johnny, and said,

“Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I’m gonna do to you!”

Little Johnny said,

“Frog, dis here’s yo’ lucky day, ’cause I’s gonna kiss yo’ a$$$$$$$.