Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The animals of the forest are having a meeting.

For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.

The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.

First day he makes his round.

The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.

The rabbit is missing.

After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.

The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.

Next day, the usual round.

All animals are sober, rabbit missing.

Again, found drunk in his burrow.

The bear gives him one last chance.

Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.

After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.

He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.

He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.

He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.

The bear shouts:

That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!

The rabbit squints, burps and answers:

Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!

A man is driving past a farm when he runs over a rooster.

He feels bad about it, so he collects the rooster and goes to knock on the door of the farmhouse.

When the farmer opens the door, the man says, “I’m afraid I’ve run over your rooster, it was out in the road. I really do apologize, and I’m more than happy to replace him.”

The farmer has a puzzled look for a moment, but then says,

“Well, if you really want to go around back and m@@@@@te with the hens, be my guest, but I’d rather you just pay for a new rooster.”

An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies.

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone.

So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list.

His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.

“How did you lose your hand?”

“A lion bit it off during one of my hunting trips. Speaking of that, I was an avid hunter and have an impressive trophy room, let me show you”

The grandfather leads his grandson to his trophy room. It is filled with large animal heads mounted on the walls. The boy is in awe of all the different animals.

“There are lots of stories to tell with some of these, several even attacked me before I managed to kill them. This leopard here? Its name is Eerie. I named it that because

it bit off my ear. I generally like to name them after something they took from me so I remember our encounter better”

As the boy looks around from animal to animal, he starts to ask about the stories behind them.

“What about that great big Crocodile? Does that one have a story?”

“Yes, it took several of my toes, so I named it Toto”

“What about this Tiger?”

“It took my eye, so it is named Iris”

Then the boy’s eyes are caught by an enormous lion, the most majestic trophy of them all.

“That must be the Lion that took your hand! Did you name it Hans?”

“Good guess, but no, I named it Hanc}}})ck”

A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.

He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,

“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”

Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”

“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,”

he replied.

“That would be great!”

A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says.

“My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle.

“I’m not allowed on the couch.”