Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his grandson.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single man queer, piece of sh!!!!t, horse’s , tree hugger, socialist left-wing pr!!!!__, blind man , and son of a b***____**** anywhere we went!

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.”

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.

About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.

He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.

On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch.

Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.

Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said,

“Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach.

The pilot comes on the intercom,

“This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in

Toronto.”

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot,

“Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?”

“Well,” says the skipper,

“first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big cr@@@@@p . . . then I’m gonna take that new stewardess out for dinner . . . . then I’m

gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!”

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane.

She’s so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and falls on her face.

The old lady leans over and says:

“No need to hurry, dear. He’s gonna take a sh!!!!!!!t first.”

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on

who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said,

“I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that’s why I am the greatest!”

The ant said,

“I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that’s why I am the greatest!”

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