Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood…

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says

“Dad, do you see that cow?”

“Yes, I do son”

“So, I sucked it’s blood”, the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says

“Dad, do you see that horse?”, he asks

“Yes, I do, son”

“So, I sucked its blood”

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says,

“Dad, do you see that wall?”

“Yes, I do, son”, replies the father

“I didn’t”

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York.

He was mugged by a gang of snails.

A police detective came to investigate.

They asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied:

“I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,

“You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,

“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”

The farmer is amazed.

“Exactly right”, he says.

“How did you work that out so fast?”

“Easy,” says the accountant

“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”

A little old lady was walking her dog around a lake on a cold winter morning and the lake was still frozen.

All of a sudden, her little dog spotted a duck that was walking on the ice and ran out onto the frozen lake to try and catch it.

The dog ended up falling through the thin ice, fell into the freezing water and the little old lady started to scream for help.

“Help, help, my dog has fallen into the lake”, she cried out in a state of hysteria.

Watching all this commotion was a German student, who had been jogging around the park.

He sprinted over to the lady and asked, “Vot is zee matter viv your dog, can I za help?”

“Oh yes please,” the old lady said.

“My dog is in the water over there” and she pointed out to the lake, where how pet pooch was thrashing about in the water, struggling to stay afloat.

So, the brave German jogger, without hesitation, waded into the near-freezing water of the lake, saved the dog and placed it on the grass beside the old lady.

“Oh you are so kind”, the old lady said,

“Are you a vet?”

“VET!”, replied the German jogger.

“VET! I’m soaked!”

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic.

Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches.

The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone’s whipped and hungry.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener.

Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.

So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho.

Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless,

“I NEED FOOD!” he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

“NO!” Joe retorts, “We promised.”

Five more days pass.

Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

“Just for that, I’m not going.”