Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye.

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.

“Excuse me ma’am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son”

“He is NOT my son! He is my husband!”

The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains

“I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger.”

The bartender says “Wow, that’s incredible, you don’t look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attatched to her eye?”

“Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone

with permanent wife-eye connection!”

A 15 year old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder.

“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,

“she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said,

“this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.

He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says:

“Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says:

“We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks: “And what are those?”

The Aussie, fed up with the bragging, asks with an incredulous look:

A Texas farmer takes a vacation to Australia“Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

One man’s marriage has gotten a bit dull, so he asks a friend if he has any ideas on how to add some excitement back to the marriage.

“Well,” his friend says, “you can always have an affair.”

“I can’t do that! I will always be faithful to her.” the troubled man replies.

“If you convince her to let you do it, and then it won’t be cheating.”

The man agrees to give it a try. The next time his wife seems to be in a very good mood he shares the idea with her that a new partner would add excitement.

“Honey,” his wife says, “that won’t help our marriage. Believe me, I already tried it.”

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar.

It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.

As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks

“hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track.

He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”.

The man can’t believe it.

He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.