07/13/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18604
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.
“Well, my wife ain’t home, she’s gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,” said the man.
The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn’t interested.
Then the man spotted a mirror and said, “What’s that?”
Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said,
“My God how’d you get a picture of my Pappy?”
The old man was so happy, he traded his wife’s best pitcher for it.
The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.
He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the “picture” and eventually the wife got suspicious.
One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn.
She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said,
“so this is the hussy he’s been foolin’ around with!”
07/12/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18600
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
“Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with s*x*@1 a$$$@u1t,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
07/11/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18596
It was three o’clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
“Please come quickly,” she yelled,
“I just saw a pant less man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady’s room.
“Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment.
“It’s probably a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly.
“And how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed the old lady.
“Try standing on the dresser!”
07/10/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18591
A 75 year old man was walking by and suddenly he hears a voice,
‘Stop!! there is a brick going to fall on your head’
The man stops and the brick drops infront of him..
After a short walk,
The man was again alerted by the voice
‘Stop Don’t cross the road, there is a speeding car about to hit you’
The man cautiously waits and crosses safely
He then turns back and thanks the voice behind and asks who is that.
The voice responds,
“I am the guarding angel sent by god to save you from Danger”
The man politely asks
“Where were you when I was about to get married.
07/09/2024 from Daily Jokes
#18588
A blind man walks into a bar with a bear on a chain and a parrot on his shoulder.
“Hey,” the bartender exclaimed,
“No animals are allowed in here!”
“We’re not just animals, buster!” says the parrot.
“I’m not talking to you,” replied the bartender,
“I’m talking to the guy.”
“Well,” the parrot angrily replied,
“in case your beady little eyes haven’t noticed, the guy you’re talking to is deaf, mute and blind!” He then proudly added,
“I am his service bird. I do all of his talking for him. If you talk to him, you’re talking to me, so don’t be such a jck@$$s!”
Hmmm, the bartender studied the bird.
“Okay, birdbrain,” the bartender leaned in close to him,
“let me take a guess, if you’re a talking service bird, then the bear must be a seeing-eye bear, right?”
“Nope,” replied the bird,
“the bear is a bodyguard.”
“What the heck does a blind, mute and deaf guy need a bodyguard for?” asked the bartender.
“The bodyguard is not his, ya dummy!” the parrot yelled,
“He’s mine!”