Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, “Dad.”

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings,

tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, Dad.

She’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry, Dad.

I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!

A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender, “Could I get a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?”

The bartender is taken aback but serves the rabbit his order. The rabbit enjoys his beer, devours the toastie, and then leaves.

The next night, the rabbit returns and once again requests a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Word has spread, and the pub is buzzing with curious patrons. The bartender serves the rabbit, who eats and drinks before heading out.

By the third night, the pub is packed to the brim. As the rabbit walks in and orders his usual, the crowd falls silent in anticipation. The bartender hands over the pint and toastie, and the room erupts in applause as the rabbit finishes his meal and exits.

On the fourth night, there’s standing room only. People have travelled from far and wide just to witness this unusual guest. The bartender is making more money in a week than he did all of last year.

But when the rabbit walks in and asks for his usual, the bartender’s face falls. “I’m sorry, my friend,” he says, “but we’re all out of Ham and Cheese Toasties.”

The rabbit looks shocked, and the pub goes so quiet you could hear a pin drop. The bartender nervously offers, “But we do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. I promise you’ll love it.”

The rabbit eyes him carefully. “Are you sure?” he asks.

With a grin, the bartender replies, “I wouldn’t steer you wrong. Trust me, you’ll love it.”

“Alright,” says the rabbit, “I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.”

The pub bursts into cheers as the rabbit enjoys his meal, waves to the crowd, and leaves… never to return.
A year later, the pub is in decline. The bartender, who has only served a handful of drinks that night—most of them to himself—calls last orders. As he’s cleaning up, he notices a small white figure hovering above the bar.

“Who are you?” he asks.

“I’m the ghost of the rabbit who used to visit your pub,” comes the reply.

The bartender’s eyes widen. “I remember you! You made this place famous. Every night, you’d come in for a pint of beer and a

Ham and Cheese Toastie. People came from miles around just to see you.”

“Yes,” the rabbit says. “But I also remember that last night when you ran out of Ham and Cheese Toasties. You gave me a

Cheese and Onion Toastie instead.”

“That’s right,” the bartender recalls. “But then you never came back. What happened?”

“I died,” says the rabbit.

The bartender gasps. “No! How?”

The rabbit pauses before replying, “Mixin’ me toasties.”

It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.

“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.

“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimetre measured between the two body parts of your choice.

Private, you’re first.”

“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.

Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.

“Corporal?”

The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.

A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.

“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”

“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.

“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”

“I left it at the battle of Jebel Akhbar,” the sergeant says.

“I’ll take a cheque.”

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you SOB’s who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you SOB’s who are getting on, get your backsides on the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are cheesed off about the two hour delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen.”

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,

” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

“Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,”

is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want,

and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike.

“It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”