Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A television crew comes to the farm to interview the shepherd about his daily routine.

“Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?” asks the reporter.

“Oh, yeah sure,” starts the shepherd, “So first I wake up, but I really don’t want to, so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day.

Then I have a nice breakfast and head out to check on my sheep. They usually ignore me. After that, I take a break and sit down with my dog to  watch the clouds go by.

If the sun is shining, I might even take a nap! Finally, I gather the sheep and head back home, hoping the day ends

with a good dinner and maybe a little more brandy.”

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother Jokingly:

“mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother”.

His mother looked at him and said calmly :

“Lower your voice, don’t say that, he can hear you”.

The kid replied:

“Don’t worry mom, monkeys don’t understand our language”.

A husband and wife in their sixties were coming up on their 40th wedding anniversary.

Knowing his wife loved antiques,

he bought a beautiful old brass oil lamp for her.

When she unwrapped it, a genie appeared. He thanked them and gave each of them one wish.

The wife wished for an all expenses paid, first class, around the world cruise with her husband.

Shazam! Instantly she was presented with tickets for the entire journey, plus expensive side trips, dinners, shopping, etc.

The husband, however, wished he had a female companion who was 30 years younger.

The genie smiled and… Shazam! Instantly he turned 93 years old.

A new retirement home opened up in the community with separate floors for men and for women.

After the first few weeks of being open all the residents were called into the recreation room so staff could explain the rules.

It was emphasized that after hours there would be no men on the women’s floor or women on the men’s floor and anyone caught violating the rule would be

fined $25 for the first offense, $50 for the second offense, and $100 for the third offense.

A hand went up in the back of the room followed by the question:

“How much for a season pass?”

A guy brings his pet gorilla to the Country Club….

“I’ll bet anyone here, any amount, my gorilla can beat you in golf” he says.

“I’ll take that bet” said the club pro.

“Nine holes, $1000 a hole”.

“You’re on!” says Gorilla guy.

First hole is a 400 yard par four.

The guy tee’s up the ball.

The gorilla walks up and puts it right on the green with his first shot.

The pro can’t believe it, and begins to get nervous.

“Look”, he says,

“can we just settle for, say, $5000?”

“Wise move” replied gorilla guy.

The pro pays up.

Then, the pro asks

“Tell me, how does that gorilla put?”

“Just like he drives”