11/05/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19265
A typical tough-guy husband marries a beautiful, easygoing woman. After the wedding, he lays down the law:
“I’ll come home whenever I want, stay out as late as I like, and I expect no complaints from you. Dinner should be ready unless I say I won’t
be home. I’ll go out hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my friends whenever I please, and I expect no pushback. Those are my
rules. Any questions?”
His new wife responds with a smile, “No problem! Just know that every night at seven, there will be sex here… whether you’re home or not.”
11/04/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19261
John was an easy target for any kind of strange gadget, and his wife Marsha had long given up on trying to get him to stop. One day, he came home with his latest purchase: a robot he swore could actually detect lies.
Around 5:30 that evening, their 11-year-old son, Tommy, got home from school, over two hours late.
“Where have you been?” John asked. “Why are you over two hours late?”
Tommy said, “Oh, a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project.”
The robot immediately walked over and slapped Tommy, knocking him out of his chair.
“Son,” said John, “this robot can tell when you’re lying. Now, where were you really?”
Tommy sighed. “Okay, fine. We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What movie?” asked Marsha.
“The Ten Commandments,” Tommy replied.
The robot walked over and slapped him again, harder this time.
With his lip trembling, Tommy finally admitted, “Alright, alright! We actually watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
John shook his head. “I’m so disappointed in you, son. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”
The robot immediately walked over and gave John a slap that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha burst into laughter, tears in her eyes. “Oh, John, you had that one coming! Besides, Tommy is your son!”
And with that, the robot turned to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair, too.
11/03/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19255
A Lion, a funnel web spider, a dog and a monkey are arguing over who is the most fearsome and powerful animal.
The lion begins, arguing fiercely, “I have the loudest roar, I have massive teeth ready to pierce meat easily, I run faster than both of you
reaching speeds of 70km/h. I am a symbol of courage, royalty and strength, you two stand no chance against me, you are all futile”
The spider retorts, “pfft, that’s nothing, I’m stealthy, and dangerous. You cannot get rid of me. Lion, you have been close to extinction so many
times, but I will always terrorise people, no matter how hard people try I can never be dismissed. I make people fear to leave to get a tissue to
kill me, my bite can kill a toddler in under 5 minutes, none of you stand a chance against me.”.
The dog stands forth, “you all talk of sharp teeth and venomous bites, but neither of you can compare to me”. The Lion scolds, and steps forth,
“prove it then”, nudging the dog. The dog immediately falls down, as if playing dead. The Lion and spider both turn to each other, confused,
“what happened to him”, the lion asks?
The monkey retorts, “fool, that’s John Wick’s dog”
11/02/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19245
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish police officer.
He thinks that he is smarter than the officer because he is a lawyer from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish
policeman. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish officer’s expense.
The Scottish policeman says, “License and registration, please.”
And the London Lawyer says, “What for?”
The Scottish policeman responds, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
The London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
The Scottish officer says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
The London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
The Scottish officer says, “The difference is, ye have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
The London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
And the Scottish officer says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Scottish officer takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and finally says, “Da you want me to stop or just slow
down?”
11/01/2024 from Daily Jokes
#19240
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked,
‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened
And her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!’