Daily Joke: Jokes Library

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather

Service, and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?” he asked.

“Yes,” the man at the National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It looks like it’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.”

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard!

Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth.

Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all.

Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs:

“I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,

less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?

If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche, leaving his parents in shock.

“Where did you get that car?!” they yelled.

“I bought it,” the boy replied calmly.

“With what money?” his parents demanded. “We know what a Porsche costs!”

“This one was just $15,” he said, shrugging.

His parents were baffled. “Who sells a Porsche for $15!?”

“The lady up the street,” the boy explained. “She said I could have it for $15 when I rode by on my bike.”

Panicked, the mother exclaimed, “She must be out of her mind! John, go figure this out!”

The father marched to the woman’s house, finding her peacefully gardening. He demanded to know why she sold the car for $15.

With a smirk, she said, “My husband called from Hawaii. Turns out, he ran off with his secretary, and she cleaned him out. Broke and

stranded, he begged me to sell his Porsche and send him the money… So, I did exactly what he asked.”

Some dream of fancy yachts or dream jobs, but for most, welcoming a baby boy is one of life’s greatest moments.

For Walter, however, it became an unforgettable delivery room twist.

Walter and Linda, proud parents of two beautiful daughters, had always hoped for a son.

Their wish came true, and nine months later, Linda gave birth to a baby boy.

Walter rushed to the hospital from work, but when he saw the baby, he was stunned. “How can I be the father of such an ugly baby?” he asked.

Suspicious, he questioned Linda, “Have you been unfaithful?”

Linda blushed and replied, “Not this time, dear.”