Daily Joke: Jokes Library

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it is appropriate to tip the dealer. The player says, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip him?”

The dealer replies, “When you eat at a restaurant do you tip the waiter?”

“Yes,” the gambler concedes.

“Well then, he serves you food; whether it’s good or bad isn’t up to him. By the same token, I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.”

“OK,” says the gambler, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an 8.”

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

“I can’t wear your trousers.” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

“Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right…and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish – just one.”

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks !”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ??? “

A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband’ thought for a moment:
“Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – the husband became 92 years old.