Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled “Well you’re an ugly bitch anyway!” The girl turned around and replied “It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won’t give you the time of day?”  

The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris, France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intently studied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustled over to him. “Do you have something in mind?” she asked. “I certainly do, ma’am,” the American emphatically replied. “That’s why I want a nice gift.”  

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.” 

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of  the town tavern.

“Paddy,” he said, ” I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven  one day.”

“Really, Father?” slurred Paddy. “What have you done?” 

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it  out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet  above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters  look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him. When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the  other and says “What kinda bird you reckon that was?” The other hunter replies “I don’t rightly know, but I think we hit it. “How’s that?” “You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn’t ya?