Daily Joke: Jokes Library

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong.

The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong. “Well” the first priest said, “have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?”

“No,” said the other priest.

“Well” said the first priest, “it’s when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time.”

“Oh,” said the second priest, “so, what happened?”

“Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’?” asked the first priest.

“Yes?” said the second priest. “Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, “I now sentence you to death.”

There is a blonde, she wants to buy a microwave.
So she goes in and asks the sales clerk, “How much for that microwave?”

The salesclerk replies, “We don’t sell Microwaves to blondes.”

So the next day she dyes her hair red, and goes in and asks the same question. The sales clerk answers, “we don’t sell microwaves to blondes.”

So the next day she dyes her hair brunette and goes and asks the same question. The salesclerk replies the same way.

The blonde asks how he knows she is a blonde. The clerk says, “That isn’t a microwave it’s a TV.”

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Fred’s convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

“I suppose,” said his pretty but reluctant date, “you’re going to pull the old ‘out of gas’ routine.”

“No,” said Fred, “I’m going to pull the ‘here after’ routine.”

“The ‘here after’ routine… what’s that?”, she wanted to know.

“If you’re not here after what I’m here after, you’ll be here after I’m gone.”