Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The other night, my wife and I were going out for dinner.

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, “Does this look natural?”

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”

The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual “This won’t hurt a bit” routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

“Miss,” he said in a barely audible whisper, “You have hold of my privates!”

“Yes, doc, I know,” she smiled, “and we aren’t going to hurt each other, are we?”

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

“Ok” he said, “I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!”

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

“I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled,”Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”