Daily Joke: Jokes Library

In a plane that’s about to crash, there are three passengers: the wisest man on earth, a student, and a politician.

When they find out that the plane is about to go down and there is only one parachute between the three of them they debate about who would sacrifice his life for the country and who will jump to safety.

The politician says he’s responsible for running the country, so of course, he should be the one to jump.

The wise man says he’s got to serve mankind, so he should be the one who jumps.

The student says he is the future, and he should be the recipient of the parachute.

As the kid speaks, the wise man grabs the bag and leaps wildly out of the plane.

The politician is astounded, but the student remains calm.

“Why are you so calm? We’re both about to die!” exclaims the politician.

The student replies, “Well wisdom just leapt out with my school bag, so the future can hang on to politics and feel safe.”

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn’t aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

“That’s fantastic”, the man said. “Hasn’t he scored three bulls?”

The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.

“Yes Sir!” , he announced to the crowd. “This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware”

“I don’t want any bloody glasses”, the drunk replied. “Give me another one of those crusty meat pies.”

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, “See mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad’s not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me…I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then………………lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said,

“The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.”

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity.

Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other,

“Do you know where we are?”

“I think so,” replied the other hunter. “I think this is about the same place where we crashed last year.”