Daily Joke: Jokes Library

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

No more problem.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A Man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1.Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
2.How many seconds are in a year?

The Man thought for a few minutes and answered…

1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it’s not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?”
The Man replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,etc…”

Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than………………..Punch a 5th grader
It’s always darkest before…………… Daylight Savings
You can lead a horse to water but………how?
Don’t bite the hand that…………….. looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………stink in the morning
Happy the bride who…………………..gets all the presents
Don’t put off till tomorrow what……….you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not………..spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you………see pictured on the box

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’