Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down. “Geez, are you lucky.” The cyclist says.

“What do you mean by lucky?” The pedestrian angrily asks. “I got hurt really bad.”

“Ah, you’re lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus.”

On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him.

“Give the poor man a glass of brandy,” advises a woman.

“Give him a heart massage, ” says someone else.

“No, just give him some brandy,” insists the woman.

“Call an ambulance,” yells another person.

“A brandy!”

The man suddenly sits up and exclaims. “Shut up, everybody,and do as the kind lady says!”

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his arm to the left every few seconds, accidentally hitting Fred over and over. This really starts to get on Fred’s nerves, so he asks “What the heck is wrong with you?”

The reply is, “I got this in the war.”

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, “What the heck is wrong with you?”

Again the answer is, “I got this in the war.”

Fred moves again.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, “Let me guess, you got that in the war.”

The reply was, “No, I got it out of my nose. I can’t get it off of my hand.”

While enjoying a drink at the bar a guy decided to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone. To his surprise, she asked him to join her for a drink and eventually asked if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jumped into a taxi and went back to her house.

Later, the young man pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?”

“No, don’t be silly,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl took a match, struck it across the side of her face and replied, “That’s me, before the operation.”

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead, all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.

He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.

“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”