Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.

After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as ‘Heaven’.

Three strings walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The first string walks up to the bartender and says, “Bartender, three beers please.” The bartender looks at the string and says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.” Disappointed, the string walks back to his buddies and explains.

The second string says “No problem, I’ll go get our beers.” The second string walks up to the bartender, “Bartender, three beers please.” The bartender says, “Listen man, I told your buddy that we don’t serve strings here.” Empty handed, the second string walks back to his buddies.

The third string says, “No problem. Tie me in a knot at one end and fray my ends at the other.” He struts up to the bartender, “Bartender, three beers please.” The bartender proceeds to get him the beer when he suspiciously turns to look at the string and says, “Excuse me, but are you a string?” The string replies, “I’m a frayed knot!”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”

The mourner answered, “My wife’s first husband! … Why did you die? Why did you die?”

There were three sons who wanted to get their mom a present for her birthday.

One son decided that she wanted a bigger house and bought her a mansion.

The second son decided that she didn’t want to drive by herself so he got her a limo.

The third son thought that she was lonely and got her a parrot.

The mom gave the first son a thank you saying that she didn’t want the house.

She gave the second son a letter that said she didn’t want the limo.

She gave the third son a thank you saying the chicken was good.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America… do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do they use the word “politics” to describe the process so well; “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Only in America… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.