Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough.

“The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!” he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, “Hooray!”

A man playing golf by himself at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot.

“So did I” he said, “but they all wanted to go to the funeral.”

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives.

Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

“Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I’ll let you in.”

“Good. But tell me…what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?”

“Surely, you’re not coming empty-handed.”

4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they’re each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find.

The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, “I’m the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!” and he jumps off.

The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, “I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!” and he jumps off.

The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they’re both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, “This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!”

And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied. “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.