Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A new neighbor called the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on the road.

The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: “Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: “Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck.”

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.

She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates.

On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

Including the curtain rods.

Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field.

Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?!?”

The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, “Well, I’m just out enjoying the sun in my canoe.”

Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, “Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!”

“Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open,” the blonde replied.

“You know,” Gracie said, “It’s blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!”