Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works.

Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.

The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.”

Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to… 14 pounds???”

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding.

They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress.

Nancy replied, “Silver.”

At that point, her husband chimed in, “Yep, silver…to match her hair.”

Shooting a glaring look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said, “So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then.”