Daily Joke: Jokes Library

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 398, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!” Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s  favorite oldies.

Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides. After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.” The patient replied, “I hope you get better too!”

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

A man goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’ The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies: ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’