Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.

“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.

“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”

“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.

“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.

“Applied psychology.”

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her.

One of the men handed over her handbag and a box. “We’re required to inventory found wallets and purses,” he explained. “I think you’ll find everything here.”

As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse… and we’d like to see just HOW you do it.”

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make me answer the phone as well!”