Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it.

When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer.

The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance.

He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: “Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

“Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing,” he replies.

The preacher puts one finger in Larry’s ear and places his other hand on top of Larry’s head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing.

After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry:

“Larry, how is your hearing now?”

“I don’t know, Reverend, it’s not until next Wednesday.”

In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, ‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’

Two blondes were driving down the road. The driver noticed that she was low on gas, so she stopped at the gas station. While she was pumping her gas, she noticed that she had locked the keys in the car.

When she went inside to pay, the blonde asked the attendant for a coat hanger so she could  attempt to open the door herself.

She went outside and began to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant went outside to see how the blonde was faring. The blonde outside of the car was moving the hanger around and around.

Meanwhile, the blonde inside of the car was saying: “A little more to the left. A little more to the right … “

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.”

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:

“Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!”

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

“Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!”