Daily Joke: Jokes Library

Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

“Benny…Benny…”
“My gosh… Is that you, Dan?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful!  What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”.

“Wow, Dan!  Heaven sounds amazing!”

“What heaven?  I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

A man walks into the doctor’s office and says: “Doctor, my name is Mark, and I’d like to be castrated.”

“What? Are you sure about this? Why?” asks the doctor, amazed.

“It’s something I’ve been considering a long time and I’d like to have it done” replies Mark.

“But have you thought it through? REALLY through?” asks the concerned doctor, “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”

“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind, so please book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply use another doctor.”

“Well, OK,” says the doctor, “But I’ll have you know that it’s against my better judgment!”

So Mark has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

“Hi there,” says Mark,” It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”

“Yes, it seems like it,” said the patient. “As for me, I finally decided after 37 years of life that it was time for me to be circumcised.”

Mark stared at him in horror and screamed: “Dammit! THAT was the word!!!”

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.

She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”

The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that!! I’ll take it!”

The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful! It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”

The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”

The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied:

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this – somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:

“Congratulations on your new location!”

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted: “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “what would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold.”