Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, I asked her to pay for the attic with sexual favors and she accepted,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk – you would have suffered terribly at their hands of the Germans had they found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man. “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

Moses, Jesus, and an old man were enjoying a friendly round of golf together.

Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Moses then parted the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

Jesus stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and landed in the water trap. Jesus just walked onto the water and chipped the ball onto the green.

The old man stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It went sailing over the fairway and headed for the water trap. But, just before it fell into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.

As the fish was falling back down into the water, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the fish in its claws. The eagle flew over the green where a lightning bolt shot from the sky and barely missed it.

Startled, the eagle dropped the fish.

When the fish hit the ground, the ball popped out of its mouth and rolled into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turned to the old man and said:

“Dad, if you don’t stop fooling around, we won’t bring you next time.”

The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist’s office to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles”, the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
“I can’t do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection”, the man said. “I’m fine with pills”.
The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet”.

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, “WOW, I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn’t”, said the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before his congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke thus:

“Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:

“Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear raincoats.”

The entire congregation said: ‘Amen.’

Three tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyll on the Welsh island of Anglesey, They started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.

“LLan-fair-poo-wee…” said the first.

“No no – it’s llan-fair-pi-well…” argued the second.

“I think we need to ask a local about this,” the third sighed.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, the third asked the blonde employee:

“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?”

“Sure!” said the girl behind the counter. She leaned toward them and said: “Burrrrr-gerrrrr-Kinnnnng.”