Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An accountant was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry, it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat 50-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he’d carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet.

She quickly picked it up, but they didn’t know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money – it was $50,000!

The husband said: “We’ve got to give it back”. She said, “Finders keepers” and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home.

One knocked on the door and said: “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She said: “No.”

The husband said: “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

She said: “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile,” but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.

One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man said: “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …”

At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said: “We’re outta here!”

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“And how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.

“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

Nearing the end of a hard life, old Ed was surrounded by his loved ones. As he sensed his final moment was approaching, he gathered all his strength and whispered:

“I must tell you my greatest secret.”

His family members were all ears, and urged him to go on.

“Before I got married, I had it all,” explained Ed.

“Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me..

…‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you’re on your deathbed.’

“So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are…

“And you know what?”

“What?” Whispered the fascinated members of his family.

“I’m not even thirsty!”

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler’s trainer came to him and said, “now, don’t forget all the research we’ve done on this Russian. He’s never lost a match because of this ‘Pretzel’ hold he has, whatever you do don’t let him get you in this hold! If he does, you’re finished!”

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn’t watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, “how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!”

The wrestler answered,”well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw his genitals right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.”

“So, the trainer exclaimed, ‘that is what finished him off?!”

“Not really. You’d be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own junk.”