Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.

He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult.

Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.

“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”

“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”

“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”

“And that is?” the young man asked.

“Just turn off the lantern.”

A couple wins a contest to be on the first civilian spaceship to colonize Mars. After months of travel, they finally arrive and are greeted by the Martian AI administrator who says, “Welcome to New Mars Colony! Any questions before you settle in?”

The man says, “Yeah, my girlfriend and I were hoping to get married now that we’ve started a new life here. Is that possible on Mars?”

The AI says, “That is a complex inquiry. Please hold while I consult the interplanetary protocol database.”

Weeks go by. The couple plants potatoes, builds a dome, and argues about oxygen bills. Finally, after 42 Martian days, the AI returns and says, “Good news. Yes, Martian marriages are now authorized by Earth-Mars Treaty 7. You may proceed.”

The couple looks at each other and says, “Okay… but what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get a Martian divorce?”

The AI sighs and says, “It took 6 weeks to get approval for one wedding. Do you know how long it’ll take me to locate a Martian divorce lawyer? Earth still hasn’t sent any—they’re all too busy billing by the minute!”

A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like “Honda!”

This puzzles him, so he does it again. “Honda!”

He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out.

When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!), the doctor says, “Don’t worry; I’ve seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left, and see the dentist.”

“Dentist!” says the man. “This has nothing to do with my teeth!”

The doctor says, ” Trust me; I’ve seen this before.” So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!)

The dentist says that he’s seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair.

He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. “Look, this tooth was rotten.” The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal!

He says, “This is insane. How do you explain this?”

The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him, “Abscess makes the fart go Honda.”

It was a quiet afternoon at Miller’s Corner Store when the bell above the door chimed softly. In walked Mr. Thompson, a well-known figure in town. Though he couldn’t see, his cane tapped rhythmically against the tiled floor as he made his way confidently through the aisles.

Mr. Thompson had been blind since birth, but that never stopped him from living life on his own terms. He knew every street, every shop, and every shortcut like the back of his hand. And most importantly, he had a sharp mind and an even sharper sense of humor.

Today, he had come in for something simple just one cold beer to enjoy on his porch.

He made his way to the counter and politely said, “Good afternoon. I’d like to buy a beer, please.”

The saleswoman behind the counter, a young woman named Lisa, grabbed a bottle from the fridge and handed it over.

“That’ll be $5,” she said casually.

“Alright,” Mr. Thompson replied. From his pocket, he pulled out two bills—a $5 and a $50—and held them between his fingers. Then came the question that would set everything in motion.

“Now, which one is the $5 bill?” he asked calmly.

Lisa blinked. She looked around, as if checking whether anyone else had heard that. No one was watching. The store was empty except for them.

She saw an opportunity.

Without hesitation, she reached out and gently touched his hand holding the $50 bill.

“This one,” she said smoothly.

Mr. Thompson smiled slightly, as if he had expected exactly that. Then, without missing a beat, he raised his other hand—the one still holding the real $5 bill—and placed it flat on the counter.

“Well then,” he said, still smiling, “I guess I’m going to buy 10 beers.”

On July 20th, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were heard by millions of people around the world.

But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but he just brushed them off by smiling.

On July 5th, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question. That time, he finally responded.

Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwestern town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.

His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

“Sex? You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”