Daily Joke: Jokes Library

An elderly couple was driving across the country.
The wife was behind the wheel when a highway patrol officer pulled them over.
He said, “Ma’am, were you aware that you were speeding?”

Hard of hearing, the woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He says you were speeding!”

Then the officer said, “May I see your license?”
Again, the woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He wants to see your license!”
So the woman handed her license to the officer.

The patrolman glanced at it and said, “Ah, you’re from Arkansas. I spent some time there once. Went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever met.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man shouted, “He said he knows you!”

A librarian is woken up in the middle of the night by a phone call.

“What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.

Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered. “9 am,” he said, “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”

“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice.

The librarian began to get angry.

“No, not until 9 am! You can’t get in by then so you’ll just have to wait!”

“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

One evening, twelve-year-old Jake sat next to his father on the porch, watching the sun dip behind the trees.

“Dad,” Jake said, deep in thought, “I have such a strong desire to live forever. What should I do?”

His dad took a sip of his coffee, nodded solemnly, and replied, “Get married.”

Jake’s eyes lit up. “Really? Does that make you live forever?”

His dad smirked. “No. It’ll make that desire go away.”

There was a long pause. Jake blinked, then slowly leaned back in his chair.

“…Are you okay, Dad?”

“Ask your mother,” he said, and took another long sip.

A farmer has been farting a lot.

He’s been to several doctors, but none of them know what’s wrong. Desperate, he reaches out to the local priest.

He says, “Father, I don’t believe in this religious mumbo jumbo, but I’m out of options. My wife is threatening to leave!

What can God do for me?”

The pastor says, “My son, you must give everything to God. In doing so, all shall be well.”

So the farmer leaves. Soon, though, he starts coming to church every single day at 6 pm. At first the pastor is pleased. But week by week, his congregation thins.

Within a month, the farmer is the only one left in attendance. Confused, the pastor approaches him and asks, “Well my child, did God help your flatulence issues?”

And the farmer says, “He did father. I used to just fart whenever I needed to. But now, I wait until 6, and give all I’ve got to God!”

Our teacher asked us to share our favorite animal, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She didn’t think it was funny, but clearly others disagreed because the whole class laughed. My parents always taught me to tell the truth, and I was being honest—fried chicken really is my favorite animal.

When I told my dad what happened, he guessed my teacher might be part of PETA. He said they really care about animals. I told him I do too—especially when they’re chicken, pork, or beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I explained what happened, and he laughed. Then he told me not to say things like that again.

The next day, the teacher asked what my favorite live animal was. I said “chicken.” She asked why, and I told her, “Because they can become fried chicken.” Off I went to the principal’s office again. He laughed once more and reminded me to be careful with my answers.

I’m confused. I was taught to be truthful, but my teacher doesn’t seem to like it when I am.

Today, she asked us which famous person we admire most.

I said, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…