Daily Joke: Jokes Library

The fluorescent lights hummed overhead as I rolled my cart up to the checkout counter. The grocery store boy, barely older than seventeen with a name tag that read Derek , smiled sleepily and scanned my items.

“Paper or plastic?” he asked, like it was a question he’d asked a thousand times before lunch.

I shrugged. “You pick. Doesn’t matter to me.”

He blinked. “Uh… really?”

I nodded. “Yeah. You know what’s better. Go ahead.”

For a moment, Derek looked like someone had handed him a million dollars and told him it was legal tender. His eyes lit up behind his glasses. Then, just as quickly, his face fell.

“I can’t,” he said quietly, almost mournfully.

“What do you mean, you can’t?”

“It’s against policy.” He gestured toward a laminated sign taped to the conveyor belt: Customers must choose bag type. “If I assume your preference, I could get written up. Baggers can’t be choosers.”

A nun returns to the convent after a round of golf and speaks to her Mother Superior.

The nun says, “Mother Superior, I have to confess that today I took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain.”

Mother Superior replies, “What happened, my child?”

The nun explains, “I was on target to break 80 for the first time. I just needed a par on the 18th. I hit a lovely drive right down the middle, but a gust of wind blew it into the rough.”

Mother Superior asks, “Oh no. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?”

The nun answers, “No, Mother Superior. I was able to control my frustration. Then I hit a great 8-iron to the middle of the green, but a squirrel grabbed my ball and dragged it into a bunker.”

Mother Superior reacts, “What bad luck, my child. Was that when you took the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in vain?”

The nun continues, “No, Mother Superior. Again, I controlled myself and hit a brilliant bunker shot to within 18 inches of the hole.”

Mother Superior snaps, “You missed the f*cking putt, didn’t you?”

It was a bright Monday morning, and the classroom buzzed with the usual energy that came after the weekend. Ms. Carter, a young and enthusiastic teacher, stood at the front of the third-grade classroom, determined to make math fun for her students.

“Alright, class,” she began, smiling warmly, “Let’s try a little word problem.”

She picked up a piece of chalk and wrote on the board:
“If you have one dollar and you ask your dad for another dollar, how many dollars do you have?”

Turning to the class, she pointed her chalk at a boy in the third row. “Billy, why don’t you give this one a shot?”

Billy, an honest boy with a sharp mind and a bit of mischief in his smile, sat up straight and said, “One dollar.”

Ms. Carter raised her eyebrows. “One? Billy, are you sure? If you have one and you ask your dad for another, wouldn’t that be two dollars?”

Billy shook his head. “No, ma’am.”

She chuckled gently. “Billy, I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t know your math.”

Billy leaned forward, his face completely serious. “I’m sorry, Miss, but it seems you don’t know my dad.”

The class burst into laughter. Ms. Carter, surprised at first, joined in with a chuckle. “Well, Billy,” she said, trying to regain her composure, “I guess that’s more a lesson in economics than arithmetic.”

Little Johnny took a child to the barber shop.

He got his own hair cut, then told the barber, “You cut the kid’s hair — I’m just going to buy some vegetables.”

The barber gave the child a haircut, but Little Johnny never came back.

After a long wait, the barber asked the kid, “Where did your older brother go?”

The child replied, “He wasn’t my older brother.”

Barber asked, “Then who was he?”

The Child replied, “I don’t know. I was just playing in the street when he came and said,

‘Come, I’ll get you a free haircut.’”

A man was sitting at the bar, looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer.

“You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?”

“I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.”

“So?”

“Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimetres too big!”