07/18/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20875
A grandmother was tidying up her attic, her faithful cat following her around for company.
While rummaging through old boxes and papers, she came across a small, dusty lamp.
Curious, she picked it up and gave it a good rub with her apron—when suddenly, POOF!—a Genie appeared in a puff of smoke.
“I shall grant you three wishes,” announced the Genie.
The grandmother thought for a moment and said,
“I wish to be the most stunning 20-year-old woman alive, I wish to have more money than I could ever spend, and I wish my cat would become the most handsome prince in the world.”
The Genie gave a nod, and in a swirl of smoke and sparkles—whoosh!—he and the lamp vanished.
The grandma looked at herself: young, radiant, and absolutely breathtaking.
All around her were piles and piles of cash—big bills, everywhere. She tossed some into the air and laughed as they fluttered down like confetti.
Then, she turned to where her beloved cat had been sitting…
In his place now stood a tall, dark, and impossibly handsome man—with sculpted features, a six-pack, broad shoulders, and a professional athlete’s physique.
He walked up to her, gently took her face in his hands, looked deep into her eyes, and whispered,
“So… do you still regret having me neutered?”
07/17/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20869
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, ” I want to join the Mafia.”
The guy answers, ” You ever kill any one for money?”
Artie answers, “No.”
The guy says, ” Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.”
So Artie says, ” How much will you pay me?”
The guy says, ” I’m not gonna pay you.”
Artie says, ” C’mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.”
The guy says, ” Okay, I’ll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I’ll pay you a dollar.”
Artie says, ” Oh thank you, thank you!” and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she’s lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can’t out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, ” ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!”
07/16/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20864
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.
“If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.
“You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.
She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”
07/15/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20859
A Boeing 777 was lumbering along at just under 500 mph at 33,000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
The young F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the-art radio, he told the 777 pilot, “Hey, Captain, watch this.”
He did a barrel roll, climbed straight up, then came screaming down with a sonic boom.
The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that.
The 777 pilot replied, “That was truly impressive, but watch this.”
The 777 chugged along steadily for about 5 minutes. Then the pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled, “I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll, and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company.”
07/14/2025 from Daily Jokes
#20855
A woman doesn’t come home one night.
The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house.
The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends.
None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night.
The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.
The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends.
Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.